My Breastfeeding Journey
My Breastfeeding Journey and Issues
I gotta admit, prior to having children the idea of breastfeeding was weird to me. But keep in mind, prior to having children, the idea of giving birth was terrifying, mind blowing and felt unnatural to me. So the whole being a mom thing was just very foreign territory for my mind. After giving birth, my mind changed entirely, well not entirely I still thought giving birth was mind blowing, but I also thought it was the absolute best, most unique, special thing I’ve ever done.
But those same feelings didn’t come with breastfeeding. It was painful, complicated, overwhelming, hard, frustrating, stressful, I could go on. Turner wouldn’t latch, my nipples were bleeding, figuring out how to hold him to get the latch was one of the most complicated things ever and pumping hurt like hell. The journey continued to be difficult, emotionally taxing and ultimately didn’t work out which led to 9 months of exclusively pumping.
I was determined to breastfeed with Isla, if only for my own sanity and convenience. I didn’t think I could face 9 months to a year of pumping again and I also wasn’t sure I wanted to do formula if I knew I had the supply. I was also terrified of introducing a bottle early on thinking that was the reason for why Turner could never get the hang of breastfeeding (now, I think that assumption was incorrect).
That determination landed my perfectly healthy, full term baby in the NICU at 4 days old due to dehydration. I was very angry that my body “failed” me. How was she not getting enough milk? Her weight hadn’t dropped to where the pediatrician was concerned. How did we get here?
Looking back, there isn’t any moment in those first 3 days of life where I thought “wow, this isn’t working. I should just give her a bottle.” So I don’t blame myself, this just happened to be a scary part of our journey. And to be honest, I think our pediatrician was being extra, extra cautious and judicious by sending us to the NICU. Once in the NICU she took a bottle (pumped breastmilk and formula), got better fast, came home in 48 hours and we spent the next 3 weeks making sure she always had enough to eat by following up with a bottle. Then suddenly at 3 weeks we were exclusively breastfeeding.
The most surprising part of this whole journey for me is the bond. It is something special. But also it doesn’t discount or lessen the bond that I had with my other baby who was bottle fed. It’s just different and unique, not better. And that’s what people sometimes lose sight of. One isn’t “better” than the other or a “stronger bond” - they are just different, entirely unique to each other experiences.